


Fuck It - A Pirate Tale

by RebelOfMyHeart



Category: Big Bang (Band)
Genre: 2ne1 - Freeform, Ailee - Freeform, Brief Smut, Bromance, Crack, DBSK - Freeform, Gen, Humour, Multi, Pirates, SNSD - Freeform, Stupidity, appearances from different idols, daesung deserves better, jun.k, pirate bromance, suju - Freeform, they're crazy, tvxq - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-01-04
Updated: 2017-11-11
Packaged: 2018-09-14 19:54:01
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,096
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9200009
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RebelOfMyHeart/pseuds/RebelOfMyHeart
Summary: BIGBANG as pirates.  They're wild.  The alternate title is BIGBANG the Seamen ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)





	1. So… Here’s the Crew

**Author's Note:**

> So I started this fic back in 2014 and it was resurrected cause why not. 
> 
> Forever thankful to philote for being the best beta-reader ever ❤

Daesung sighed as he stood in his room. Being navigator was the most frustrating job on the planet. Actually, it’s only frustrating because he’s the navigator of the worst pirate ship ever to sail the seven seas. The Big Bang and its crew were notorious for being lazy, unproductive, and basically undeserving of the title ‘pirate’, but they called themselves that anyway.

He made his way through the ship and into the captain’s quarters, because where else would the captain be? Not bothering to knock, he just barged in.

“Ok, we are almost literally in the middle of nowhere. We need a place to go. I don’t think I can take another two weeks of going ‘anywhere’. Hey, Captain Loser, did you even hear me?” said Daesung as he came through the door and stood in the middle of the room.

The so-called Captain Loser got up from his bed where he was writing the lyrics to his next angst-fest of a song.

“The name is Captain G-Dragon, you-“

“Yeah, I don’t give a shit. You’re a failure, so you’re Captain Loser to me.”

Captain G-Dragon ran out of his room wailing. He ran to the deck, towards the trusty first mate, Taeyang, who was supposed to be steering the ship. The man was sitting on a lawnchair tanning instead, because really, they had no destination. Captain G-Dragon jumped into the arms of his first mate, tears flowing non-stop.

“Taeyangie! Daesungie is being a meanie to me again!! He keeps calling me ‘Captain Loser’ and said I was a failure!! Make him stoooooooooop!!” came the whining two-year-old-like complaint from the captain.

Taeyang managed to calm the infantile captain by reassuring him that he was great and was quite the success. He then turned toward the pissed off Daesung.

“What is it this time?”

“I’m tired of not having a destination. Do you know how frustrating it is to just float around doing nothing?”

“I know, baby. Tell you what, set a course towards Kush Bay, we are going to start running out of supplies soon anyway,” Taeyang replied with an endearing smile.

“Fine, it’s going to take some time though…”

“That’s fine. Now can you start the course, I’m going to put this one to bed.”

G-Dragon had fallen asleep while the other two were talking, clinging to Taeyang like a baby koala. Taeyang carried his baby below deck, while Daesung pulled a map and a compass from his pocket. Guesstimating their location, he turned the ship with such force that everything on board went towards the left.

“Oh my fucking God, who the fuck let you take fucking charge of the fucking wheel?!” An angry white-haired Seungri appeared.

“Wow, I’m surprised you didn’t add more ‘fucks’ in that sentence,” Daesung replied, rolling his eyes. “We need to backtrack and make our way back to Kush Bay, so I did the honours. Now get lost fuckboy.”

“Fuck you! Don’t fucking tell me fucking what to fucking do, you motherfucker!!” swore Seungri before he stalked off somewhere.

Daesung mumbled something about the boy needing an intervention, when the final member of the crew showed up. Daesung didn’t even want to know where the captain picked up this nutcase. The man claimed to be from the future and talked like a crazy person. It didn’t really matter though, because the man was on watch duty anyway.

“#whatisgoingon #whyareyousteering #whyareyoualive,” asked T.O.P.

“One, we’re going to back to Kush Bay. Two, everyone else is either too busy or unwilling. Three, I’m alive because my father and mother loved each other very much, decided to fuck, their semen and egg fertilized in my mother’s womb, my embryo developed into a full-grown fetus over a time period of nine months, and I later came out into the world through my mother’s vagina. I then took my first breath and that is basically why I’m alive.”

“#TMI #weirdo #imgoingback,” T.O.P mumbled, rolling his eyes and going back to his post.

Daesung squeezed the bridge of his nose, feeling a headache coming, _I don’t get paid enough for this… I should get paid extra for interacting with idiots_. Truth be told, he was actually paid well for doing nothing, but that’s beside the point. Daesung, since the moment he stepped onto this damn ship, regretted everything he did in the past, becoming a criminal and being forced to become the navigator for Big Bang, but that’s a story for another time.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~φ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

After sailing for almost a week without interruptions (other than the usual tomfoolery), a voice rang from the crow’s nest.

“#shipontheway #whatdowedo #whatarewedoinghere”

And then the captain ordered (while sniffling causing Seungri was bullying him again): “Let’s raid them!!!”


	2. Raiding With Big Bang

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> DBSK makes an appearance

In a few quick steps, the crew of the  _ Big Bang _ were ready to breach the coming ship.

 

“Ok guys, we all know what the target is.  Any questions?” asked G-Dragon.

 

“Can we fuckin’ steal a fuckin’ crew member.  It’d fuckin’ be the fuckin’ greatest fuckin’ thing to fuckin’ steal!!  We can fuckin’ make ‘im our fuckin’ pet!!”

 

“No, my dear, that’s _almost_ barbaric.  And watch your language child!” retorted Taeyang, while pulling on Seungri’s ear as punishment.

 

“You don’t frickin’ have to freakin’ pull my freakin’ ear,  _ mother _ .”

 

“At least it’s better than before…” sighed Taeyang.

 

Glaring at them, G-Dragon continued, “Any other questions?”

He was met with empty stares, so he shrugged and went back to reading his copy of  _ Mother Goose’s Nursery Rhymes for Children _ .  The rest of the crew just waited for the other ship to come within the vicinity of their ship.

Finally, it was time.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ φ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

When the crew of the  _ Big Bang  _ engaged with their ‘victim’s’ ship (except Taeyang, cause someone has to stay behind), they were greeted by familiar faces.

“Good God, not you misfits again!” cried the captain of the  _ DBSK _ .

“Yunho!! Long time no see, long time no see!” G-Dragon greeted happily, giving the latter a great big hug.  

“#doomdada,”  T.O.P boredly interjected, looking at his nails.

Rolling his eyes in disgust, Yunho pried GD off him.

“Why is it that we always get you imbeciles raiding our ship?”

“Because we’re friends and because you are my destiny.  You should join us!”

“#ost #youaremydestiny #youwhocamefromthestars”

“For the 1654 th time, we are not friends and for the 1890 th time, we are  _ not  _ joining your stupid pirate crew.”

“Why not? I know you love me, I know you care,” GD said wiggling his eyebrows.

“#baby #justinbieber #disgusting”

“I  _ almost _ hate you. My crew and I are not joining your pathetic ship because our cargo ship is respectable and we’re too good for you,” came the smug response.

Rather annoyed, Daesung decided to speak up.

“Are you sure your ship is really respectable?”

“Of course.”

“Then why is Jaejoong fucking Junsu and Changmin painting it?”

“What?!” squeaked the indignant captain, turning around to see the described scene.  Sure enough, Jaejoong had his dick in Junsu’s ass, while Changmin painted the scene with paint and great detail.

“What the blazes are you guys doing?” screamed Yunho, while turning red in shame.  

“Art!” the trio answered in sync.

“Fuck guys, can I fuckin’ join?!” asked Seungri, visibly aroused.

“Sure!” the three answered together.

Seungri then proceeded to strip completely and put his dick into Junsu’s mouth, who eagerly sucked on it, like a kid with a lollipop.

Yunho fell to his knees, his head shaking in his hands, mumbling something about deserving better.  Still on his knees, he turned to the three  _ Big Bang  _ members still standing in front of him.

“Just take whatever and please leave!” he said, resigned to fate.

The other three shrugged and proceeded into the ship, in search of things to take.  While Daesung and T.O.P were rolling out barrels of candy canes and candy corn, GD popped out from below deck, coming from the resting quarters.

“Yo Yunnie, is it ok if I take these corsets and panties?” GD asked, holding up different styles of see-through lingerie, while sucking on a sucker.

“What on earth are  _ those _ doing on my ship?” a horrified Yunho questioned.

“Oh, Yunnie,” Jaejoong said between panting and moaning, “there’s nothing to be ashamed about!! We all know you enjoy it  _ that _ way!  GD-ah, there’s a maid costume and a bunny outfit in the dresser of the captain’s quarters if you want.  We need new outfits anyway…”

“Oh jeez Jaejae, thanks!!” GD exclaimed, happily bounding back into the depths of the ship.

T.O.P and Daesung, satisfied with four barrels of candy and a barrel of apple juice, stood on deck, giggling at the poor mortified captain, who just curled up in the fetal position and looked like his soul flew out of his body.  GD finally came back up, arms full of sexy clothing of all kinds.

“Yo Sexri, it’s time to go!! Hurry up and finish!!” called out the captain of the  _ Big Bang _ .

Seungri, who managed to crawl under Junsu and was currently in the 69 position, managed to climax a few minutes later, while Junsu followed right after.  Scooting out from underneath, Seungri put his clothes back on.

“Thanks for a fucking great fuckin’ time guys!” he said gratefully.

The quartet hummed in agreement, and Changmin added, with a twinkle in his eyes, “Thanks for the masterpiece!”

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ φ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

After the crew of the  _ Big Bang _ left, the captain of the  _ DBSK _ sat against the side of the ship and looked utterly exhausted.

“How the hell did he find them?” he asked weakly, to no one in particular.

“Hey, look on the bright side,” Junsu tried to cheer up his captain, while buttoning up his shirt, “at least he didn’t find your whips and chains!”

To say the least, Yunho wanted to walk the plank.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ヽ(≧◡≦)八(o^ ^o)ノ


	3. Welcome to Kush Bay

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> BIGBANG goes inland for a break

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wrote this like three years ago, I'm a flop. There's gonna be lots of grammar issues TT_TT

After another week and a half, the _Big Bang_ finally reached Kush Bay. By the time they got there, most of there supplies were done, to the point where each meal consisted of candy canes and candy corns in a bowl of apple juice, with desert being a strawberry lollipop that each member got to lick once per day.

 

It was night-time when they landed, so they headed to the bar they frequented because it was to late to go shopping for supplies. As they entered _Black Jack_ , the owners greeted them. Bom sat at the main door, ignoring her bouncer duty and just lounging on the chair while munching on jelly candy. She waved at them as she saw them enter, revealing a smile full of coloured sweets. Dara and CL, serving customers as they came and went, tended the bar. Dara was showing her signature bitchface and intimidating everyone in the building into behaving, while CL stood there timid as always, serving everyone while blushing and a smile. Minzy, forever responsible for entertainment, was twerking on stage.

 

Daesung, Taeyang, T.O.P, and GD all sat down in front wooden counter of the bar, while Seungri disappeared somewhere.

 

“Didn’t expect to see you dimwits here so soon. The usual I suppose?” Dara said, without looking up from the glass she was wiping. The four nodded and promptly got their drinks. Daesung got his usual gin tonic, Taeyang got his glass of spiced wine, T.O.P got his Mai Tai, and GD got his usual glass of milk with a martini olive.

 

After a sip, Daesung decided to start a conversation.

 

“So, what’s new around here?”

 

“Nothing much, just the usual idiots causing ruckuses all over town, not surprising, considering this town is run by incapable monkeys,” Dara replied, mumbling about how everyone around her lacks common sense.

 

Daesung, still bored, decided to ask, “What happen to the Super Junior across the street? Half the building is burnt to the ground and there’s all kinds of slurs and dicks spray painted on it!”

 

“Well, that’s the result of thirteen guys owning a brothel bar. Idiots.” Dara rolled her eyes at the whole fiasco. “And apparently they’re down to eight hookers. Jessica left to be a high class courtesan for some rich guy.”

 

“Rumour has it that the other eight kicked her out when they found out she had a high paying client, jealousy, they say,” Jun.K suddenly interrupted. He sat on the other side of Daesung, poking at his pina colada.

 

“Well, that’s interesting. I thought they were supposed to be the Divine Nine of Kush Bay,” Taeyang spoke up.

 

“Yeah, well know they’re known as The Hateful Eight now,” Jun.K replied.

 

After a pause, Daesung started another conversation. “By the way, how is your fruit business going? Did you win the award for best fruit stand again?”

 

Suddenly, Jun.K’s mood shifted to hostile.

 

“Oh, the fruits stand is fucking going great! And you know what? Those pussys that call themselves the Teen Top stand won. It isn’t even a secret that they manipulated the awards!!!” Jun.K basically roared.

 

While the others sat there stunned at the outburst, T.O.P merely shrugged, saying exactly one thing:

 

“#Everybodyknows”

 

Dara, who stood there unimpressed, put her hand on hips and glared at Jun.K. “Listen buddy, if you disrupt my tavern, I’ll give you food poisoning, ferment your body and make wine out of you. Behave or leave!”

 

Jun.K listened and calmed down, because Dara could make those threats real, considering she is a former gang leader. Sipping the rest of his drink, he paid for his drink then, said farewell to the crew of the _Big Bang_ and then left. No point in causing trouble.

 

A shy CL, blushing like a rose, finally decided to speak up.

 

“Dara, you don’t have to be that mean. He is a customer you know,” she said, almost nervously.

 

“CL, my dear, you have to keep these bastards in-line at all times, or else they’ll cause trouble. You don’t want our tavern to end up like Super Junior’s, do you?” Dara asked, as if talking to a child.

 

CL shook her head, eyes trained to ground. She returned to serving other patrons.

 

Meanwhile, GD was sitting there with his milk glass half empty. As he was about to finish the rest of his drink, a man suddenly appeared and sat right next to him.

 

“You look like a very intelligent kid. Do you want hear a very secretive secret?” asked the mysterious man.

 

Looking around, GD realized that no one was paying attention to him. Shrugging his shoulders, he agreed to hear the weirdo’s secret.

 

“All righty then. Apparently there’s this really powerful peppermint. Apparently it taste so good, you’ll never have to eat or drink again. Apparently, if you suck on it during the full moon, you’ll become a powerful sea god and have control of the South Sea, even have a chariot of seahorses and sexy sea-people. Apparently, it’s better than sex!” said the man enthusiastically.

 

GD sat there, amazed at what the crazy guy had said. Could there really be such a thing as a powerful peppermint? Could his crew and him become sea gods? And more importantly, was it really better than sex? Now he really needed to know!

 

“Seriously?? What do I do to get this peppermint? How do I get it and how does it work?” GD eagerly questioned.

 

The man took a moment to size up the captain of the _Big Bang_.

 

“You seem like a decent guy, so I’ll make it easy for you. Take this map and follow the marked route. Here’s the book full of steps to follow. Do everything it says and I guarantee you that you’ll get this magical peppermint!” the man explained as he handed the said items to GD, who looked at the items with anticipation.

 

When he looked back at the guy to thank him, the man had disappeared. Shrugging, he turned back to his crew, only to find T.O.P snoring away on the counter and Taeyang quietly talking Daesung, who was so drunk that he was crying. Daesung was one those sentimental drunks. GD decided to inform his crew of his discovery.

 

“Hey Taeyangie! Guess wha-”

 

“Oh! My dear GD, it’s way past you bedtime! I better get you and T.O.P all tucked snuggly-wuggly into bed,” Taeyang exclaimed, never letting the captain finish.

 

Holding T.O.P with one hand and coaxing GD (and his newly gained items) with his other hand, he managed to shuffle the both of them upstairs, where there were rooms. It’s where the crew usually crashed when they came to shore. Before he left for the rooms upstairs, he tasked Daesung with the job of finding Seungri and bringing him back. Daesung, who felt much better after his emotional pour out with Taeyang, decided to find the maknae quickly, because he was tired and wanted to sleep.

 

By now, most of the tavern was empty, except for a few stragglers. Minzy was done with her performances and Dara was closing up the bar, with CL gone home earlier, along with Bom.

 

Daesung had just stumbled off his stool (still kinda drunk), when he heard obscene moaning coming from one of the back table. When he got the place where the sounds were coming from, he came upon the scene of Ailee, one of the part time performers, receiving oral by someone who was inside her long skirts, as she slouched on her chair. Annoyed, he pulled the person out by the legs, which were sticking out from under the skirt. With a thud, the person laid on the ground, face on the floor.

 

Disgruntled, Seungri got up from the floor, looked at the perpetrator and then angrily started yelling.

 

“Fuck! What the actual fucking fuck are you fucking doing?!”

 

“Mommy told me to get you. It’s time to sleep!!” Daesung slurred, rather annoyed with how the punk was acting. _‘Why can’t the kid just listen for once?_ ’ he thought, starting to get irritated.

 

“Fuck off! I’m fucking doing fucking something!!”

 

“Whatever Sexri, it’s time to go now,” Daesung said, rolling his eyes and dragging Seungri by the hand.

 

Ailee suddenly protested, “Hey! What about me? You’re going to leave me hanging?”

 

Both boys turned around.

 

“Figure it out yourself!” Daesung said.

 

“Fuck! I’m fucking sorry, but I’ll fucking make it fucking up to you fucking soon,” Seungri apologized, blowing the displeased lady a kiss and a wink.

 

The duo then made their way upstairs, where Taeyang was ready to tuck them both into bed and give them their goodnight kisses.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 〜〜(／￣▽)／　〜ф
> 
> I have written chapter 4, i'm sure i'll post it one day

**Author's Note:**

> (￣^￣)ゞ


End file.
